Saturday, September 5, 2009

People have asked me...

since your relapse why aren't you angry? Why aren't you angry at God for allowing this to happen to you? How can you keep praying, how can you still believe in a loving God? Well, of course I was angry, I was disappointed, I was upset, and wondered why. But I don't blame God. Disease is just a part of the human condition. While I would like my life back, the one I had 21 months ago before this disease, in many ways I would not trade the experiences I have had over that time. The last 21 months have been a great learning experience. I would not trade the illness, the transplant, even the pain (well, maybe the pain). I have learned much about myself that i never would have had the opportunity to learn. I have learned much about love, the love of family, friends, my beloved wife, and God. I am sorry for all that this has put others through, especially my wife. But I have grown, my belief in God's love for me has grown. Imagine the person you love most in the world. For me it is my wife. I melt just at the sight of her, the sound of her voice touches my soul. Even when we are talking about nothing, it is everything. I realize that is how God feels about me, only magnified beyond all understanding. God's love isn't so much parental as spousal, a desire for us, to be with us, to have us. My only hope is that I can return that love, though I know I fail often. This growth, this lesson about God's love, makes the past 21 months worth everything.

Deacon John
Saturday of the 22nd Week in Ordinary Time
St. Peregrine, pray for us.
Blessed John XXIII, pray for us.

1 comment:

angelmeg said...

Amen.

The closest thing we have to heaven is the love between a man and wife. That deep abiding love that sustains us at every moment. When I contemplate that God's love is even more than that it makes me cry.

My prayers are with you every moment, my dear friend. In your weakness God will make you so strong.