I’ve never been a person who required a lot of sleep, maybe 4-6 hours a night. I’ve also never been a person who had much trouble sleeping. No matter what was going on around me, I could usually sleep. Until now. Now sleep has become a precious commodity, one that seems to elude me at every turn. Part of it is the drugs, from what I’ve been told, but I’m sure part of it is simply plain old anxiety. What is going to happen next? That question haunts me at times. I’m going to see the Oncologist today and hopefully I’ll have more answers than questions when I leave, but I’m not counting on it. Facing an unknown future is frightening. On those nights when I wake up after sleeping an hour or maybe two, I find myself staring into the darkness praying for a glimpse of what is to come. Praying, at this point, seems to be about all I can do. I can put on the brave front, be strong and all of that, but those nights, staring into the darkness, well, I’m scared. But, I am still praying. I may be facing an unknown future, but I am certain that I am not facing it alone. I have been blessed with a loving, supportive, family and with wonderful, loving friends who are beside me every step of this journey. I also have faith. I don’t know why I have been asked to take on this challenge, but I believe with all my heart and soul that God is with me. Some of those nights, staring into the darkness, I can’t see God, I can’t grasp the enormity of what is happening. At times I may feel abandoned, but at the end of the day I know, I believe, that I am not, that God is sharing this journey with me. I pray that in this process I grow closer to God, and hopefully others may see God at work here as well. If that is the case, then no matter what happens, this journey is worth it.
St. Peregrine, pray for us.
January 8, 2008