Continuing the Journey

Wednesday, Feb. 25, was Ash Wednesday. So we enter Lent, not exactly a time of joyful exuberance. I would have posted this on that day, but I have, again, caught some bug and feel awful. But I do not care. I am celebrating because Ash Wednesday also marked the six month anniversary of my autologous stem cell transplant. My old friend Poindexter was whacked on the head, and has not recovered. I have stayed in remission for six months, a significant milestone. So, Lent or not, sick or not, I'm celebrating. Thanks to all of you who stood with me and prayed for me, and thanks to our gracious God for a gift of new life.
Deacon John
Friday after Ash Wednesday
Feb. 27, 2009

This might seem weird, but...

There are a lot of things in my life that I am grateful for, my wife, my family, my friends. I have a job I love, and I actually like going to work. I am grateful that my cancer was treatable, that the autologous stem cell transplant worked, and that I am in remission. I am more grateful to God for these things than I can say, yet there is one more thing I have come to be grateful for. This is going to seem weird, but I am actually grateful for my cancer, grateful that I have Multiple Myeloma. I told you it was weird. After all the time I spent fighting ol’ Poindexter, wanting nothing more than for Poindexter to disappear from my life completely, I am actually thankful that I encountered Poindexter. As I approach the five month mark since my transplant I have come to see that Poindexter was indeed a gift. An incurable, life-threatening disease, a gift. Yes, a gift because thanks to Poindexter I stopped. I stopped to look at myself, at my relationships, at my life. I gained an appreciation of time that I lacked before. I realize now there is so little time to waste. Time that should be spent with those you care about, time that should be spent growing and learning as much as possible while possible. I came to understand how much I love the people in my life, how much I love my wife, my family, my wonderful friends. I also discovered, surprisingly, how much I am loved. I have learned to accept and appreciate that love, to revel in it, and to rely on it. I learned so much about who I am, what I can do, what I can take, and what I can’t. I have learned to slow down, that there is no reason to rush through life. Life is meant to be enjoyed. All of this and so much more I came to see because of Poindexter. Would I still feel this way if the treatment hadn’t worked? Would I still be grateful if the disease were unchecked? I suppose I can’t really know and this is going to sound weird, but yes, I believe I would still feel this way. Poindexter is a gift, a gift through which God has allowed me to grow as a human being. Poindexter is a gift that made it possible for me to understand the importance of love and time and life. Poindexter is a gift and as weird as it seems I am grateful for it. Thanks be to God.

Deacon John
The Feast of the Baptism of the Lord
Jan. 11, 2009

Whew

Just about two weeks ago I began to experience some pain in my right shoulder, in just about the same spot as one of the tumors had been. I wasn’t sure what to think, I thought it was probably nothing, but, I didn’t want to be wrong. I had an appointment to see my oncologist in late January, but I began to think I shouldn’t wait that long. I called the oncologist’s office and apparently they didn’t think I should wait either. I went in on Dec. 22 for blood tests and had to wait until today to get the results. Everything is fine. All of my blood work was in the normal range. The proteins that are markers for this cancer were either normal or below normal. Once again I felt that great sense of relief, even though I wasn’t really worried…alright I was worried. It scared the pants off me. I didn’t want to believe I had gone through all of the chemo and the transplant just to have it fail so soon. I was getting myself ready mentally for bad news. I was preparing to fight again, but thanks be to God I don’t have to. Indeed, I don’t have to go back to the doctor until May. I understand the nature of this disease, I know that eventually the news will be bad. But God willing that can wait 20 or 30 years. I am just grateful for this day. I truly believe this, I woke up today and I am breathing. The rest is God’s grace.
Deacon John
Sixth Day in the Octave of Christmas
Dec. 30, 2008

One Year

One year. Yesterday, Dec. 7, marks one year. Dec. 7, 2007, that was the day I was first diagnosed with cancer. The doctor did not have yet the specific form of cancer, tests were still being done. I really believe she only told me because I made her. I think I forced her hand by telling her I was going out of town for a week, and really needed to know something. So she told me. Those of you who have experienced this understand what I mean when I say time stopped, and suddenly the entire world changed. Nothing, absolutely nothing, could ever be the same again. Everything is experienced through the filter of this disease. Even now, one year later, after all that has happened in this year, even though I received an autologous stem cell transplant that has pushed this cancer into remission, everything is seen through the filter of cancer. I am not the person I was one year ago. Yes, I would have, hopefully, changed during this past year even without a cancer diagnosis. But how I changed, who I have become in this past year, is because of Multiple Myeloma. I am not the person I was, nor am I the person I would have been. I am who I am today because of the experiences of this year. Who is that person? I’m not always sure, but I did find out one thing. The person I have become is stronger than I thought, a survivor. I do know that this strength did not come just from within me, but from God. Strength was found in faith and in the love, prayer, and support of family, friends, and people I do not even know. My wife and I spent this past weekend at St. Meinrad Archabbey (one of my favorite places in the world) with dear and close friends, people I love more than I can say. We celebrated remission, we celebrated each other, we celebrated our friendship and love. I celebrate that thanks to their love, support and prayers, thanks to the love of my family, my sisters, my brother, their families, my mother’s prayers, and the prayers of countless others, I can today, one year later stand and say I am a survivor.

Deacon John
The Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception of the Blessed Virgin Mary
Dec. 8, 2008

Birthday

Today is my birthday. Normally I would not take much note of it, indeed I had just about forgotten that today is my birthday until my wife reminded me. I guess I should take more notice, however, since it is a special birthday. No, not because of my age, but because I am having a birthday at all. Just a little over a year ago, I wasn’t so sure I would have any more days like today to celebrate. Yet here I am, a survivor, a cancer survivor. Just being able to say that brings up emotions I can’t describe. Joy, relief, some lingering fear, gratitude. Gratitude to all who prayed for me, gratitude to God for the grace granted me. I am grateful for the miracle of medicine that made this birthday possible. I am grateful beyond words to God for this second chance at life. My cancer, Poindexter, along with my hair, is in complete remission. Only the hair is coming back!
Deacon John
The Feast of St. Leo the Great
Nov. 10, 2008
St. Peregrine, Pray for us

Continuing the Journey

To quote the prophet Jerry Garcia, “what a long, strange trip it’s been.” I visited the oncologist on Thursday to get the results of the tests done as follow-up to the autologous stem cell transplant. The level of the immunoglobulins in my blood and urine, the protein markers that indicate the presence of the cancer, were all either normal or low. There was also no indication of the cancer in my bone marrow. So all that has transpired over the past year, all of the tests, the chemotherapy, the transplant itself, have done what they were intended to do. As my doctor said, this cancer, in the technical term used, is in complete remission. I can’t describe how I felt when I heard those words. Though I was always confident this would happen, the fear that things would go wrong was always there. I felt a combination of joy and relief, and gratitude to God. The new goal is to avoid remission within the first six months. The oncologist said this would be, I couldn’t keep up with how many times he said bad. Obviously relapse this soon would lead to a poor prognosis. The longer I go without relapsing, the better the chances of fighting off the cancer are. So now I will see the oncologist every three months for tests, blood and urine, to check for those protein markers, to make sure they remain low or normal. The journey is not over, but so far the journey has been successful. The only other problem I face now is the loss of the antibodies that had been in my immune system. The oncologist said that I am like a baby, and I will catch everything going around until I develop new antibodies. I also must be immunized again. Starting next Feb. I must get all of the vaccinations we received as children, polio, measles, etc. That’s ok, like the loss of my hair it’s a small price to pay for remission. Thanks be to God for this outcome.
Deacon John
Oct. 25, 2008
St. Peregrine, Pray for Us

Still Learning

Since coming home I have felt pretty good, and I think I began to believe I was invincible. I am learning, however that there is a difference between recovered and recovering. I went back to work last week, and despite being urged to work only part time, I stubbornly worked full days. On Sunday of this week I served at Mass in my parish, worked a half day at my job, where I led a prayer service, then that evening conducted a meeting of deacons in the region I represent on the Archdiocesan Deacon Council. I must admit that by Sunday night I was tired. Late that evening I got sick, really sick. I began running a low grade temperature, felt totally drained, and Monday morning simply could not get out of bed. It finally occurred to me that maybe I was doing a little too much. OK, maybe a lot too much. I do believe God sent me a message. No matter how good I may feel, I am not completely recovered. That will take time, and I must allow for that time. After all that has happened, I guess I still need to learn patience. Maybe one of these days the message will finally sink in.
Deacon John
Oct. 22, 2008
St. Peregrine, Pray for us